God Holds Our Hands

A thousand times I've failed. Still Your mercy remains.....

His hands always open, and it's up to us to grip

Just a few weeks ago (the weekend before the Valentine's Day), I attended a spiritual retreat. Three days off work, off from all the hassle, pressure, stress of what kind of life I have. It was really difficult for me to once more talk to God, though I pray to Him in a daily basis. When I entered the retreat house, I feel happy and excited. I felt a cold breeze of dejavu. I am once more in a retreat house (just like a convent). Quiet, peaceful, far away from the busy buzzy earth and a place I would want to stay at forever if possible. I felt like this just happened 4 years ago just after my graduation.


I've used my one time off at work to attend the retreat for some reasons. One, to have some escape and peace of mind. Two, to decide what I would need to do. And third, I think God has planned it. And also, it's one of my grad requirements.


First night, I felt like I love God seriously. However, there's a gap. I'm worshiping and praising Him, but there is something missing. I'm like a little child who loves His Father but is not completely open to Him, who doesn't talk a lot to Him in times of despair. And I can't blame myself for that. 


I know in myself that for four years, that I am feeling I failed God. Since I wasn't able to pursue the nunnery. And it feels like I've forsaken Him. 


I'm in denial that I am not enough for Him, and I don't deserve Him.


And on my retreat, I was able to talk to my Father closely. I heard His voice, conversing with my heart. That He has been waiting for me, to return back home. And His arms spread openly to embrace me back in His grace. That moment, I cried in tears. I wept for I've been drawing myself away from my Father who has been around ever since. The Only One who has never left me.


I heard Him, I said sorry. My heart still in guilt was touched by His comforting hands. And at that point, I felt a bid of welcome and a warm embrace from God. He has healed my aching heart. He casted away all my fears and guilt. He lifted me up with both hands. I was reborn. I went out of that retreat house, with love, faith and hope in my heart. I had the positivity I've lost four years ago, I once am a child of God following Him with our hands clasped, I am a believer. 


Days are passing and I'm being exposed to a lot of things. Things that my Father would not like me to be in. I think I'm starting to turn Him down again. I am praying that I'd surpass all these tests. And pass through with my faith, love and hope still in. I missed Him a lot <3


I trust You God with all my heart. 

I will trust in You, God! I give You my heart, take it and keep it. Don't ever let me have it back. I can't guard it how You can. Take my mind. Keep it. Don't let me think of negative things. Filter it God, and install in it thought of Hope. Let me only think of You. Take my Spirit, Hold me in Your arms. I am safe where ever You are. Lead me God. I want to be filled with You.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge him, And he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

"For I hold you by your right hand - I, the Lord, Your God. And I say to you, Don't be afraid. I am here to help you." (Isaiah 41:13)

Taking Things Slow

One. Stop. Think. Stop. Two. Stop. Three. Four. Pause. Stop.


Why not pause a few sec and assess whether you've been doing things in a really fast pace? It won't take long. Sit and let some gust of dead and cold nothingness fill in your body. 


I always get words from my friends that I move so slow. Whether on a physical activity like mountain hiking, walking or the usual day to day packing things after a shift. Well, I confess I am indeed a slow mover. From the big picture, I might look energy-less and lifeless (smiles). But considering the pros of it? It's rewarding; quote me. 


Sometimes, we are mindless of how quick we do things. From the daily jobs we accomplished, from finishing a report to taking our breakfast or lunch meals, from sipping our quick fix of coffee to reading a new book we've just bought. From chatting with a friend we haven't seen for a long time on our way out of the elevator to crossing out things we've listed on our to do's. 


Sounds familiar? Well, I've been there too (L'ho provato sulla mia pelle - I have experienced that on my own skin; Eat.Pray.Love.). I love accomplishing the things as fast as I could, as strict and as disciplined as I could. And efforts were paid, you finish it early without rushing and beating deadlines. It gave me sense of accomplishment, but a little happiness and fulfillment. Accomplishment and Fulfillment; they will never be the same.


How about try taking things slow? Why not give it a shot? At least for a day? Just twenty-four hours of your fast pace life? And see what kind of change will it bring. A city dweller living in a country pace (for a day)? Not bad.


How about finishing your report with some sort of distractions like eating while doing it or some music playing? Taking your lunch meals slowly, chew and break down the wonders of its taste. Smelling your cup of coffee first, let it fill your soul and let it put a smile in your heart and sip it slowly. Reading the book you've just bought pieces by pieces, enjoying each part of it. Stepping out of the elevator and delaying your ride home for a couple of minutes to catch up with a long lost friend, ask how is she doing and give her a genuine smile - the priceless comfort you'd give that person. Saving some of your errands for the next day, when you can do it better since you've got a pack-load of energy after resting the night before. 


I know this sounds weird. A waste of time. But these few minutes will make a big difference in your life. 


Taking things slow is savoring moments. You just don't pass thru, you feel it, you embrace it. And so it becomes memorable.


<3


Clouds outside looks like it's gonna pour. But shy sun rays are skipping from somewhere unseen. The usual afternoon I had during my childhood years. A lazy Monday afternoon before approaching the fast city working life again.