God Holds Our Hands

A thousand times I've failed. Still Your mercy remains.....

His hands always open, and it's up to us to grip

Just a few weeks ago (the weekend before the Valentine's Day), I attended a spiritual retreat. Three days off work, off from all the hassle, pressure, stress of what kind of life I have. It was really difficult for me to once more talk to God, though I pray to Him in a daily basis. When I entered the retreat house, I feel happy and excited. I felt a cold breeze of dejavu. I am once more in a retreat house (just like a convent). Quiet, peaceful, far away from the busy buzzy earth and a place I would want to stay at forever if possible. I felt like this just happened 4 years ago just after my graduation.


I've used my one time off at work to attend the retreat for some reasons. One, to have some escape and peace of mind. Two, to decide what I would need to do. And third, I think God has planned it. And also, it's one of my grad requirements.


First night, I felt like I love God seriously. However, there's a gap. I'm worshiping and praising Him, but there is something missing. I'm like a little child who loves His Father but is not completely open to Him, who doesn't talk a lot to Him in times of despair. And I can't blame myself for that. 


I know in myself that for four years, that I am feeling I failed God. Since I wasn't able to pursue the nunnery. And it feels like I've forsaken Him. 


I'm in denial that I am not enough for Him, and I don't deserve Him.


And on my retreat, I was able to talk to my Father closely. I heard His voice, conversing with my heart. That He has been waiting for me, to return back home. And His arms spread openly to embrace me back in His grace. That moment, I cried in tears. I wept for I've been drawing myself away from my Father who has been around ever since. The Only One who has never left me.


I heard Him, I said sorry. My heart still in guilt was touched by His comforting hands. And at that point, I felt a bid of welcome and a warm embrace from God. He has healed my aching heart. He casted away all my fears and guilt. He lifted me up with both hands. I was reborn. I went out of that retreat house, with love, faith and hope in my heart. I had the positivity I've lost four years ago, I once am a child of God following Him with our hands clasped, I am a believer. 


Days are passing and I'm being exposed to a lot of things. Things that my Father would not like me to be in. I think I'm starting to turn Him down again. I am praying that I'd surpass all these tests. And pass through with my faith, love and hope still in. I missed Him a lot <3


I trust You God with all my heart. 

I will trust in You, God! I give You my heart, take it and keep it. Don't ever let me have it back. I can't guard it how You can. Take my mind. Keep it. Don't let me think of negative things. Filter it God, and install in it thought of Hope. Let me only think of You. Take my Spirit, Hold me in Your arms. I am safe where ever You are. Lead me God. I want to be filled with You.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge him, And he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

"For I hold you by your right hand - I, the Lord, Your God. And I say to you, Don't be afraid. I am here to help you." (Isaiah 41:13)